God Damn You
by HannahGraceRusher
Summary: Kendall Knight is a young boy with a golden heart. He's simple but sometimes simple is all that's needed. He meets James, a guy that acts strange but still catches the attention of the blond. Is James all he seems to be? And can Kendall help him?


**Before you guys say anything. Yes. I have other stories to update but I've been really struggling lately with stress, anxiety, slight depression and the meanest writers block you can imagine.**

 **Today I sat down, listened to Jay Smith and had his song God Damn You on repeat for hours while I wrote this. It's not exactly proofread and it's long af but screw it. I want to upload it because it's kind of a mix of me and the song. I've been through some dumb shit lately and I'm really (excuse me) fucking tired of it. I'm tired of people telling me I'm shit and that I'm a freak. I do whatever the hell I want. Deal with it or go away.**

 **So please, do enjoy. I really hope you enjoy 'cause I put a lot of thinking into this one. Hopefully I'll get the message I tried to get down myself because I need it more often than I would like to admit. It's rated T until someone tells me otherwise.**

 **With that said. Enjoy.**

* * *

 **...**

God damn you.

"Hey." The handsome brunette cooed and smiled down at the young blond, who blushed and shifted awkwardly where he stood.

"Hi." He got out and forced himself to smile and not look so awkward. The brunet was tall and had a pair of golden brown eyes that seemed to sparkle in the dim light. Kendall had never seen anything so pretty in his life.

Kendall Knight was mere fourteen years old and his older brother Logan had dragged him along to one of his friend's parties. The blond was a good four years younger but he had always looked older than he really was. Logan claimed he needed to act as old as he looked and had pressed a beer in his hand before leaving him in the living room in some stranger's house to fend for himself the best he could. It hadn't taken long until Kendall had caught the attention of the good looking brunet in the corner.

"I haven't seen you around before, you new in town?" The brunet asked and Kendall gulped and shook his head, taking a sip from the beer – that wasn't as disgusting as he thought it'd be.

"Um..." The blond mumbled. "I'm Logan's brother." He said and pointed in the general direction of where his brother had disappeared. "Kendall Knight."

The brunet looked surprised. "Logan Knight's brother?" he asked and Kendall nodded. "I'm James." The brunet said. "James Diamond." He added and grabbed a firm hold of Kendall's hand and shook it. Kendall could barely tear his eyes off of James. "Can I get you another drink?" he asked and nodded at the blond's nearly empty glass.

"I-I've already had two." Kendall stuttered and scratched the back of his neck.

"What? Beers? Come on, I'll get you something stronger." James offered and dragged the blond to the kitchen where some girls were doing shots and a latino let one of them do belly shots. Kendall furrowed his eyebrows and James poured him a shot. "Bottoms up, Blondie." He said and swept a shot of his own.

"D-Don't call me that..." Kendall muttered but copied James' actions and downed the shot. It burned its way down his throat and Kendall couched wildly and made a face.

James chuckled and gently patted him on the back. "You okay?"

Kendall blushed and nodded shyly. His head was aching slightly but it was a good ache. He felt warm and fuzzy and his head just wanted to fall forward and rest against James – very comfortable looking – shoulder. "I'm okay." Kendall grinned sheepishly. The brunet smirked at him.

"Wanna dance?"

"Sure." Kendall said and took the hand James offered. He saw his older brother somewhere in the crowd but Logan didn't really bother with him and ignored him when he walked past him, James dragged him over to the stairs.

"How about a private dance?" He asked. Kendall didn't know what he meant but he nodded and James and he went up the stairs and into one of the small bedrooms on the second floor. The brunet gave him a slight shove and Kendall fell back and bounced on the soft bed. It felt amazing, Kendall wanted to lie there forever and rest his weary head and he was just about to say that when James climbed on top of him and kissed him.

Kendall had never kissed anyone before. Not girls and not boys. He didn't even know how to and James chuckled at him when he clumsily tried to mimic whatever James did. He got a hang of it quickly. Kendall Knight had always learned things quickly.

James gave a low growl and disconnected their lips and moved down to Kendall's neck and sucked and nibbled on the thin skin. Kendall gave a weak moan that he didn't know where it came from. The brunet grinned again and slid Kendall's t-shirt off before taking his own off. "You're pretty cute." James said.

The blond blushed. "T-Thanks..." He said awkwardly and James laughed softly.

"Do you usually top or bottom?" he asked and Kendall didn't know what he meant so he shrugged and James' smile widened. "Would you like me to top you?" he whispered hotly in Kendall's ear.

Kendall felt his mind go blank when James breath tickled his ear and he found himself nodding. Frantically on top of that. "S-Sure." He got out and the brunet kissed him again before getting them both out of the rest of their clothes. James slid off the bed to lock the door and then came back and helped the clumsy blond get comfortable a little higher on the bed.

"I'm impressed." James said and smiled down at the naked blond. "The Knight gene pool _is_ amazing." He mumbled to himself and went ahead and kissed his way from Kendall's neck down to his stomach and further down to the more fun parts. Kendall's breath hitched in his throat and he gasped when James' mouth was around him.

"J-James!" he squeaked and James peered up at him and smirked around him. James' name felt very right on Kendall's tongue. "James." He said again. Yeah, it felt real nice. "James." He said one more time and the brunet crawled up to lie on top of him.

James eyed him for a bit. "How old are you, Kendall?" He asked softly. The blond turned red and gulped. Now the brunet was going to leave him there and it would surely be awkward. James looked old. He looked older than Logan and any of his friends. James with his scruffy chin and his broad shoulders and... impressive sex...

"F-Fourteen." Kendall said timidly and James nodded slowly.

"That's the youngest I've ever had." He said and chuckled. Kendall deflated like a balloon. James went a head to kiss him again and he did feel a little better. He even dared to ask James how old he was and the brunet answered, "Nineteen."

James dismissed the question pretty quickly – like it wasn't a big deal – and pushed Kendall's legs up and apart. "I-I've never done this before." Kendall blurted out but it didn't seem to bother James.

"I'll teach you, then." He said and sat up and scooted a little closer. "Let me do my thing and tell me what feels alright." He said and Kendall nodded hesitantly and tried his best to relax while James touched and prodded places Kendall hadn't even touched himself. "How's this?" James asked and Kendall pouted his lips.

"It feels... I don't know..." He mumbled and shifted. James adjusted and Kendall's lips were pressed together into a pretty pout.

"You're cute when you do that." James said softly.

Kendall wondered how James was so cool with everything. It was as if James was completely relaxed. The blond was impressed and a little bit embarrassed. It knocked on the door once and someone tugged at the door handle, Kendall had frozen while James acted as if it was nothing but rain outside. The door was locked after all.

When James deemed the blond done and ready he shifted and shuffled in between Kendall's legs. The blond squeaked and couldn't help but grab a hold of James' shoulders. "It's okay." James cooed and Kendall nodded and shut his eyes tightly.

"Y-You can go." He said, trying to man up. "I can take it." he said and sounded confident enough for James to move inside of him. "Oh." Kendall moaned and furrowed his eyebrows. The feeling was completely foreign yet it was kind of good. The more he felt the more he liked it.

James mumbled something in his ear but he didn't hear anything but his own pulse but when James moaned it was the only thing he heard. It was low and sounded almost like a growl, Kendall gulped and clung on to the brunet and shifted where he lied to try and keep up.

It was slow but if you hadn't ever done it before it was difficult to know what to do, what to grab, how to move and where to look. Kendall was a little bit overwhelmed by it all and he wondered if everyone did this at parties or if it was just him and James.

"Are you close?" James asked him. His voice was hoarse and his breath harsh. "Does it feel good?"

"It feels so good..." Kendall replied weakly. "Please."

James captured his lips in a heated kiss and Kendall felt his whole body tremble and convulse. He couldn't breathe and then he suddenly got too much air into his lungs, either way he was choking and a long moan escaped his lips when James filled him. The brunet pulled out and settled on the bed. Kendall rolled over to his side and shifted awkwardly, trying to get used to not having James inside of him.

"How was it?" James asked and Kendall gulped. "It's pretty cool, right?"

"Yeah..." Kendall mumbled. He was sore but the alcohol in his blood made the pain dull and bearable. "Are you going to leave?" he asked and the older male looked at him.

"No?"

"I've heard that most people just leave." Kendall whispered. "I thought you were going to leave."

"Why would I leave?" James asked and shook his head. "I don't have a reason to leave."

"You don't have one to stay." Kendall pointed out and James snorted and rolled over to his side and eyed him.

"Are you sure that you're fourteen? You sound older." He said and Kendall blushed. "You both look and sounder older... you can't possibly be fourteen." James stated.

The blond shrugged again. "My birth certificate says fourteen." He said and James looked at him for a solid three seconds before he laughed softly and ruffled Kendall's hair.

"You're cool, Kendall." he said and Kendall felt a spark of pride jump in his chest.

 _Linelineline_

"Oh my gosh, he was so cool!" Jo and Camille squealed and bounced around. Kendall rolled his eyes at them. They had been going on for a good five minutes about a guy they had seen on a motorcycle through the window on the third floor.

Kendall was in school. He had just grabbed his bag from his locker and was on his way down to catch the bus. His two friends were eagerly chatting away. The blond ignored them and only thought about what to eat once he got home. His mother was probably at work, his younger sister stayed at the after-school center and Logan wouldn't be home anyways. He looked up when Camille slapped him on the arm and pointed down at the parking lot.

"There he is!" She whispered. "Isn't he cool?"

The blond froze and his eyes widened to the size of tennis balls. It was _James_ standing by the parking lot, leaning against a sleek motorcycle while gazing over at the doors. Kendall wanted to quickly duck out of sight but he was too stiff and awkward to do it.

He and James had spent the night together and Kendall's mom had been furious with both Logan and Kendall – but mostly Logan – when Kendall hadn't come home until noon the day after the party, hungover. Logan had to explain to her that Kendall had been fine but neither his mother nor Logan knew where Kendall had been or what he had been doing. Logan assumed he had passed out somewhere but that wasn't the case. Kendall had been with James and they had lied most of the night, sharing their deepest thoughts. James talked a lot about life and death and Kendall had said that dying was dumb. James had laughed at that.

Now – about four days later – James was standing there outside Kendall's school. He was looking for Kendall, there couldn't have been any other explanation. Why else would he be there? When they went separate ways – the day after – James had given him a smile and a nudge on the chin before he sauntered off and left Kendall outside the house. No numbers exchanged, no nothing.

"Oh my God..." Kendall mumbled and gulped.

"Isn't he super cool?" Camille asked and jumped around, her brown pigtails flailed everywhere.

"Uh..." Kendall mumbled and just then the brunet spotted him and waved at him. Kendall turned red and gulped. Their night had been the biggest secret he had ever had in his life. He awkwardly waved back and his two friends gasped.

"Do you know him?" Jo asked.

Kendall shrugged but couldn't look away from James. "Uh... Kind of." He said and gulped again. "I-I should just... I-I should go." He said and said goodbye to his friends and hesitantly made his way over to James. "W-What are you doing here?" he asked timidly.

James shrugged his shoulders. "Thought I'd pop in and say hi." He said nonchalantly. "Give you a ride home if you wanted." he added and Kendall blushed and glanced over his shoulders. People were looking. "Want a ride?"

Kendall nodded slowly. "S-Sure." James smiled slightly and handed him a helmet.

"Then get on, Blondie." He said and the blond put the helmet on before climbing onto the motorcycle behind the brunet. "Hold on." James instructed and Kendall wrapped his arms around James' torso.

The sun was shining and James' leather jacket was warm to the touch, Kendall wanted to lean his cheek against it but didn't. James drove around for a while and Kendall just sat there and held on. When the bike came to a stop he barely knew where they were since he hadn't been paying attention. They were outside Kendall's house.

"How do you know where I live?" The blond asked when he got off the bike.

"You're Logan's brother." James said with a shrug. "Everyone knows Logan Knight." he said and Kendall nodded.

"Thank you for the ride." He said and handed the helmet back to James. "Uh... Would you like... to come inside?" he asked hesitantly and the brunet nodded and parked the bike on the drive way and followed Kendall inside.

The blond was blushing and stuttering all over the place until he finally offered James something to drink. Kendall made coffee. He didn't like coffee but James seemed to like it and Kendall wanted to look cool and seem older so he had a cup too.

James hummed silently when he drank and Kendall subtly watched him. He wanted to ask why he had come and gotten him. Was there a reason? Did he want to do it again? Or was he mocking Kendall?

The blond cleared his throat. "Why did you come?" He piped up and James shrugged his broad shoulders and blew on his hot drink.

"Perhaps I just felt like it." He suggested and Kendall pouted.

"Don't you have school?" He asked.

"Graduated." James replied and shrugged.

"Then don't you work?"

"Nope." James said and smiled briefly. "How was your day?" he went ahead and asked and Kendall didn't know what to do but to answer 'good' and then continue the small talk with the brunet. He lost himself in the conversation and James seemed to be doing the same. It was as if they had known each other for a long time. They discussed everything from the sky to the earth and James was continuously impressed by how grown up Kendall's mind was. He pointed that out several times.

Kendall didn't even notice when his mother came home and it wasn't until she was standing in the kitchen door that he got that she was home. He blushed slightly and smiled timidly. "H-Hey, mom." He said and the red haired woman eyed him and the brunet by the table.

"Hello, honey." She said and glanced over at James again. "Who's this?"

"This is James." Kendall found himself saying.

"Nice to meet you, Mrs. Knight." James said and waved briefly. The brunet seemed to have no problems with Kendall's mother being there and asked if Kendall had ever had green curry, to which Kendall replied with a no.

Mrs. Knight was puzzled to who the older boy in her kitchen were but she let him be. She'd ask Kendall later. The blond was happily chattering with the handsome brunet and Jennifer could see that this was a person her son looked up to, for Kendall was trying so hard to impress him. She left them alone for the time being.

Kendall enjoyed listening to James because he was so thoughtful and really made him wonder about the things he talked about. What was the meaning of life? Why were they out on earth to begin with? Why were they evolving? And was there a life after death? It was all very strange strange questions that neither of them had the answer to. Especially not Kendall since he was not more than fourteen years old and didn't even know how to drive a car or how to pay bills, which James seemed to know all about.

When the clock on the kitchen wall turned five James said that he had to go and even though Kendall felt a slight pang of disappointment he knew that it was the truth. His mother had gone to pick up Katie and Logan should be back any minute.

"You're cool, Kendall." James said. "I like your style." He said and the blond blushed and cleared his throat.

"Uh... I-I try." He got out and James laughed softly and ruffled his hair, his short fingernails gently scraping across Kendall's scalp. The blond shuddered and he was pretty sure James noticed but they didn't say anything.

"I'll see you around." James said with a cool smile before strolling back to his bike and kick-starting it before driving off. Kendall lingered in the door and watched him speed down the street.

James was positively one of the coolest persons Kendall had ever seen and met. His older brother Logan was also cool, but Logan was more into parties and popularity while James was... Kendall wasn't sure of what James was but he knew that he wanted to be just like that when he got older. Cool, mysterious and suave.

He stalked back into the house and went a head to wash the coffee cups and then took the liberty to wash the rest of the dishes lying in the sink as well. This time he heard when his mother came home with his sister.

She stepped into the kitchen with a bag of groceries on her arm and Katie darted around her legs and asked for candy. "Hello, Kendall." She sighed tiredly and sat the bag down on the table. Kendall hurried to empty it and put everything away while his mother got her jacket off. "May I have a word with you?" Jennifer asked and Kendall nodded while putting the cereal box in the cupboard. "Who was the boy who was here before?" His mother asked.

"That was James." Kendall said. "We're friends." He stated, even though he wasn't sure they were. He wanted to be James friend. When his mother didn't look convinced Kendall shrugged. "Logan knows him." Kendall lied. Or didn't lie, he wasn't sure Logan knew James but James seemed to know Logan.

"Really now?"

"Or... well... they're not best friends but... he was at the party and he helped me a bit." Kendall explained while scratching the back of his neck. "When things didn't go so well he... uh... gave me a bunch of tips and helped me find somewhere to rest."

"Did he?" Jennifer asked and crossed her arms over her chest.

"Yeah." Kendall said and nodded.

His mother softened slightly but still looked a little angry. "Well, I suppose I will allow it for now. Since he's such a nice guy as you say. Also, I am going to have a word with your brother when he comes home..." She muttered and Kendall gulped and excused himself and escaped to his room.

When Logan did come home a while later Mrs. Knight had exploded and yelled at him again for leaving his younger brother alone at the party like he had done. A yelling competition seemed to start and Kendall put his headphones on to block it out.

The yelling and shouting went on for about twenty minutes before Logan came storming up the stairs and slammed Kendall's bedroom door open. "What the hell have you been telling mom?!" He shouted and Kendall frowned.

"Nothing." He said timidly. "Nothing! I promise!" He yelled when Logan crossed the room and grabbed him by the shirt. "James was here before and she wondered who he was. I said he was at the party. That's it." Kendall quickly explained and Logan snorted and shoved him lightly in the chest.

"Diamond, hm?" He asked. "What are you doing hanging out with a lonely and depressed son of a bitch like him?" he asked.

"A-A what?" Kendall asked and frowned. Logan shook his head and marched out of the room and basically flew down the stairs before leaving the house and making as much noise as he could before he slammed the door shut.

The blond curled up on his bed and sighed. His mother came to check on him and asked what Logan had done. Kendall shrugged his thin shoulders and mumbled that Logan hadn't done anything but yell at him, like usual. Logan seemed to have gotten their mother's bad temper times ten.

She left him alone and told him that dinner would be ready for him if he wanted to eat. Kendall told her he'd wait for a bit and she had given him a sad smile before going back downstairs. The blond waited until she was gone and then grabbed his old laptop and turned it on.

He sat on his bed with the computer in his lap while he waited for it to start. The fan worked frantically and the whole laptop became almost unbearably warm, Kendall put a pillow between it and his legs.

Once it was up and going he clicked up a browser and googled 'depressed' and clicked the first link he saw. Kendall didn't know what depression was, he had heard the word a few times but he didn't know what it was. He read page after page with sad texts, facts and statements of depression and he was puzzled. James was none of those things. He wasn't anxious or hopeless or restless.

The brunet was like peace itself if anything. Kendall clicked on the highlighted word 'insomnia' since he didn't knew that one either. Insomnia is a sleep disorder where you can't fall asleep or sleep as much as you want. Kendall furrowed his eyebrows. He didn't really know anything about James' sleeping patterns but when they were together in the bed James seemed to be sleeping just fine. He went back to the page about depression and read about causes and symptoms and treatments. It was scary because he didn't know those things even existed.

"Kendall, dinner!" He heard his mother call and he flinched and quickly closed all the windows and put his computer away before scurrying down to the kitchen and had dinner with his mother and sister.

 _Linelineline_

The blond waved when James approached him. "What are you doing here?" He asked when James smiled down at him.

"I was in the neighborhood." James said and shrugged. "Wanted to see you, I suppose." He said and Kendall beamed up at him. "How are you?" James asked and Kendall nodded his head.

"I'm good." He chirped. "I finished a bunch of assignments today so I have two weeks of no homework." He said proudly and the brunet smiled softly at him. "How are you?" Kendall asked and for a second James seemed surprised.

"I'm alright." he then said and lit up into a smile. "Would you like a ride home?" He asked and Kendall gave a nod and followed his new friend to the motorcycle parked a few yards away and climbed up behind James and wrapped his slender arms around James' chest.

James drove a different road to Kendall's house but the blond still invited him in and they had coffee and talked about school. Kendall complained about his teachers nagging and James told him to hold on and do his best.

Kendall gave a long sigh at that. "I wish I could just graduate now and hang out with you more." He said and then blushed because he did sound pretty whiny. James chuckled and Kendall's cheeks only darkened.

"I'd like that." James admitted. "It'd be you and I against the world, wouldn't it?" he asked and the younger boy nodded eagerly. He wanted exactly that. "Cool." James said and nodded slowly while looking down at his coffee and sighing.

Kendall found himself staring and mentally scolded himself. "What did you do today?" He asked. "Before you came and got me?" He added and sipped on his bitter drink. James shrugged his shoulders and hummed.

"I was meeting someone." He said nonchalantly.

"Oh." Kendall said and tried not to get so jealous. "That's pretty cool. Better than school anyway." He said and gave a sheepish smile. James looked up and eyed him. James' eyebrows slowly sank together into a small frown.

"You're not gonna ask who?" He asked and Kendall blinked his green eyes.

"Well... You don't seem like you want to tell me." He said. "I didn't want to make you mad by asking." He said and James softened. "But if you want me to ask..." Kendall trailed off.

James shook his head. "No. It's fine." he said. "Most people usually do ask." He said and quickly finished his coffee. "When does your family get home?" He asked and Kendall shrugged and drank the last few drops from his cup.

He thought for a second or two before replying, "Perhaps in a few hours." James seemed restless. "Why do you ask?" Kendall asked.

"Show me your room." James said and the blond tilted his head to the right and frantically searched his mind, trying to remember how he had left his room that morning. Then again, Kendall never left his room messy – like Logan – and decided to show James his room.

They went upstairs and Kendall pushed open the door to his room. "Um..." He mumbled shyly and James stepped inside and looked around.

"It's nice." He said. "I like it. It kind of looks like mine." He said and Kendall suddenly felt cooler. "Do you have any music?" The brunet asked and Kendall showed him a small collection of CDs. It wasn't much and it was a mix of everything. James studied the CDs and the band posters on Kendall's bedroom walls.

They sat and listened to music for a little while until James turned to Kendall and eyed him again. The blond pretended to be deeply interested on the track list of the CD he held in his hands. When the brunet wouldn't look away Kendall finally asked, "What?"

"You're cute." James said and the blond turned red. "Can I kiss you?"

"Uh..." Kendall mumbled shyly. "S-Sure?" He said and James' eyes flickered between his before he leaned forward and pressed his lips against Kendall's. It was quick and sweet and it made Kendall blush like a little girl.

"It feels nice." James said. "You're kind of girly and cute." He said bluntly and Kendall glared up at him.

"A-Am not!" He stated and crossed his arms over his chest. "I'm not girly."

James chuckled. "A little girly." He said and grabbed the blond by the arm and pulled him closer and kissed him again. They were soon panting and James got the blond out of his shirt and pants fairly quickly. Kendall wanted to complain about being stripped but changed his mind when the brunet got his own clothes off and threw them onto the growing pile of clothes on the floor by the bed.

Kendall bottomed again and that time it hurt a little more, since he wasn't halfway to wasted but he didn't complain.

When they were done they laid together for a while until James left, giving the blond a charming smile and ruffling his golden hair. The blond felt special but he was sore and he walked weirdly, something his mother was sure to catch on to once she got home.

"Are you alright, honey?" She asked when Kendall stalked towards the stairs to get back up to his room.

"Y-Yeah." Kendall said. "I'm just... a little sore after PE." He lied and gave a sheepish smile. His mother didn't believe him and strode across the room and grabbed him by the arm. The young blond winced and his mother revealed a bruise on his shoulder.

"What have you done?" She demanded to know. "Did someone beat you?"

"No!" Kendall whined and shrugged her off. "N-No one beat me!" He said and looked up when his older brother came in through the door.

His mother turned to look at her oldest son. "Logan. Come here, now." She ordered and Logan sighed before walking over. "Did you hit your brother?" She asked and Logan arched an eyebrow at her.

"No." He said.

Jennifer glared at him and yanked Kendall down from the stairs and showed Logan the bruise. "Then what is this?" She asked. The blond blushed and Logan eyed the bruise.

"I didn't do it." He said.

"He d-didn't." Kendall piped up. "It was an accident." He tried. "It wasn't anyone who hit me, I promise." He assured. "J-Just drop it." he said and snaked out of his mother's grip and hurried up the stairs and shut himself in his room. His mother tried to convince him to come out for a while but soon gave up. Logan on the other hand simply barged into the room and the blond yelled at him to get out. "Get out, Logan! Leave me alone!"

"What is that smell?" Logan asked and looked around. "I didn't know you used Cuda."

Kendall turned red within seconds. He didn't use Cuda but James did. The blond glanced at the sweatshirt on the floor belonging to the brunet and swiped it away with his feet, kicking it in under the bed before his brother saw it. "Yeah? Well, leave me alone." Kendall said and pointed at the door.

Logan sighed. "Hey, if there's somebody that's bullying you..." He began.

"No one's bullying me, Logan." Kendall said and tried to push his brother out the door. "It was an accident. Now leave me alone."

"Is that a..." Logan mumbled and looked down at his brother.

"Get out!" Kendall yelled and shoved him out the door and closed it. He pushed his dresser in front of it so that Logan wouldn't be able to get back in that easily before flopping down on the bed. He thought for a moment about the brunet.

Kendall knew what they did. They had sex and the blond had just barely talked about it before he met James. James was his first. The blond wondered if sex was supposed to be like it was with him and James. He didn't know two boys could do it but now it was more that clear to him that it was. Then Kendall got scared. It wasn't meant for boys to have sex with one another and what if he and James was the only ones who did it? What if it was bad?

He shook the thought off and hid his face in the pillows. James was the coolest guy he knew and he liked to talk to him and he liked to ride on James' motorcycle and he kind of liked it when they had sex. It hurt a little but James had promised that it would hurt the next time.

The next time.

Kendall was longing for the next time. His fifteen birthday was coming up and he was thinking of maybe skipping family dinner and go and do something cool with James. The blond stopped for a second and thought. If he did he'd be just like Logan and Kendall did not want to be like Logan. He wanted to be cool but he didn't want to run off like his older brother and his dad.

When it was time for dinner he ate silently before attempting to go back up to his room, but his mother stopped him, cornering him in the kitchen. The blond desperately tried to avoid her but it was impossible.

"Kendall Knight." His mother demanded. "You are not leaving this kitchen until you have told me about that bruise." She said and Kendall blushed. "Who hurt you?"

"No one hurt me." He said.

"Mm-hm." Jennifer muttered and crossed her arms over her chest. "Am I supposed to believe that?" She asked and even Kendall's ears were red with embarrassment and shame. "What happened?" She asked.

Kendall mumbled out his answer quickly and silently before trying to squeeze past his mother. She stopped him and ordered him to repeat what he had said since she didn't hear it. "J-James did it." Kendall repeated. "He was here before." He mumbled so silently his mother just barely heard it.

"Did he hit you?" She freaked and Kendall shook his head.

"H-He didn't hit me!" He whined and frowned, he was on the very edge of crying because he was so embarrassed. He knew that he had to tell his mother what happened and he wasn't looking forward to it. She would be very mad.

She glared at him with a pair of fierce eyes and put her hands on her slim hips. "Then what happened?" She asked. Again, Kendall mumbled out his answer and tried to push past her but she wouldn't let him. "Kendall Donald Knight. You are not leaving this kitchen until you tell me what happened." She said sternly.

The blond shrunk in front of her. He turned into a timid little kid who knew that he was in trouble. Jennifer saw that and in a way she was really worried of what Kendall had to say since he looked so distressed. He clearly didn't want to tell her.

Kendall gulped. "W-We had sex..." He mumbled so silently that he practically breathed the words out.

"I beg your pardon?" His mother asked.

"W-We had sex." Kendall repeated.

"You what?"

"Mom..." The blond whined and looked as if he was about to cry.

"You had sex?" Jennifer basically squeaked and Kendall nodded his head. His mother looked to be in a state where she didn't know whether to be angry or worried. It was a mix of it. "Did he hurt you? Did he force you to it?" She asked, rather loudly.

Kendall quickly shook his head. "No. I-I wanted to." he said. "He didn't force me." He said truthfully. "And he didn't mean to... make a bruise, it just happened." He added and let his fingers trace his shoulder. "I'm sorry, mom... I-I didn't want you to be mad..."

His mother shook his head. "You're fourteen, Kendall." She said.

"I know... I'm just a kid, right? That's what Logan says too..." Her son replied sadly. "I didn't mean to anyways... I'm sorry, I know you're mad."

His mother was fairly quick to envelope him in a hug. "Oh, sweetie. I'm not mad, I'm worried." She told him. "I'm worried you might get hurt." She said and stroked his golden hair. "I just don't want you to get hurt, Kendall. I'm your mother, I want what's best for you."

"Logan says that you don't mean that."

"For the love of God... I need to have a word with your brother later." Jennifer muttered angrily and hugged Kendall a little tighter. "Of course I mean it. I mean every word. I love you so much and I really don't want you to get hurt. You can get hurt easily if you meddle with these kinds of things."

"How?" Kendall asked.

"You could get your heart broken." His mother said.

The blond didn't understand. How could his heart get broken? It wasn't like he was in love with James. They just hung out, like friends. "How?" he asked again and his mother frowned at that.

She sighed and shook her head. "In a lot of ways, Kendall. I wish you wouldn't have to go through it at all." She said. "And I think you're too young to be... doing those kinds of stuff. What you're doing is illegal, honey."

"Is it?" Kendall asked and looked worried. "I-... I didn't know." he confessed. "I-Is that really bad?" His mother sighed.

"I can be." She told him and suddenly the young boy was frightened.

His lips were pressed into a pout and his eyes lowered to the floor. "I'm sorry, mom..." He mumbled and Jennifer hugged him again and told him that it was alright. Jennifer went ahead and made them both some hot chocolate and they sat and watched TV together. Katie had already gone to bed and Logan had left to go to a friends house, much to Jennifer's displeasure.

Kendall was silent and sat deep in thoughts. His mother was a very smart woman, at least Kendall thought she was. Logan seemed to think she was stupid but for all Kendall knew it was Logan who was stupid.

"Mom?" Kendall mumbled and turned to look at Jennifer. "What do you do when someone's depressed?" he asked and his mother gave another worried look. "Logan said that James is depressed but he doesn't seem sad." he explained. "I want to help, if I can."

"Oh, honey." His mother said softly. "It's not that easy." She told him. "Things like that... it takes time and... a lot of help to get through."

"How much help?"

"A lot, honey."

"Oh..." Kendall's face fell into a thoughtful frown and he hummed silently to himself. "Do you think it'll be better if I'm just being nice?" he asked uncertainly. His mother smiled lovingly at him.

"I think it'll do just fine." She assured and wrapped an arm around him. "I'm proud of you, honey." She said. "You're such a good boy."

Kendall blushed. "But you were mad with me before..."

"You meant well." Jennifer said softly and kissed the top of his head. "I just wish you would have waited and maybe... made it more special." She sighed and shook her head. Her son gave her a puzzled look. "The first time is supposed to be special, Kendall. It's supposed to be with someone you love." She tried to explained.

The blond looked confused. "I don't get it." He said. "Do you really have to?"

His mother gave a long sigh. "It makes things a lot easier." She said. Kendall once again looked like he was thinking harder than he should and he finally nodded his head.

"I'll think about that." He said with a smile and Jennifer's heart felt like it was melting in her chest. Her son really just wanted for everyone to be happy but he was young and still hadn't figured out how to handle things. Jennifer just hoped that her son would end up breaking his own heart while trying to mend someone else's.

 _Linelineline_

Kendall blushed when he saw James the next time. A tiny spark of excitement flared up in the pit of his stomach and he sank his teeth into his bottom lip to prevent himself from yelling out for the brunet. He gathered all of his self control and stayed put until James sauntered over to him. "Hey there." James cooed.

"Hi." Kendall said and James had a seat at the park bench Kendall sat on. "How are you?" Kendall asked and the brunet went a head and said that he was doing 'better'. The younger boy wanted to ask about it but didn't.

"How are you, yourself?" James asked.

"I'm okay." Kendall said and smiled. His eyes wandered downwards and he noted that James was wearing an awful lot of clothes for such a warm day. "Aren't you really warm?" He asked and nodded at James' hoodie. The brunet shrugged.

Kendall left it at that and asked if James wanted to do anything in particular. "I just want to sit." James said and Kendall thought it was a great idea. They sat on the bench for a long time, watching the clouds, sometimes small talking and once or twice Kendall stole a glance at the handsome brunet next to him.

He was thinking the entire time about what his mother had said. That eventually he would get his heart broken by James. Kendall didn't want to believe it. James wouldn't ever break his heart. They were friends. Best friends, even.

"James." Kendall said and sighed. "I like you. You're really cool." He said, truthfully because he wanted James to know. "When I grow up I want to be like you." He stated but James didn't look as happy as he wanted him to.

"You don't wanna be like me, Kendall." James mumbled. "I don't think you should change at all." He said. "I wouldn't want you to be like I am."

"Why?" The younger boy asked, full of question.

"Because." James replied simply and smiled weakly. "It would be a lot better if you were just yourself and not anybody else." He explained and Kendall nodded slowly.

"So... I'm just gonna be me... and we'll be friends, right?" he asked and when James nodded he grinned sheepishly and looked strangely satisfied. The brunet ruffled his hair before looking back up at the sunny sky.

They were both silent again and Kendall flinched when his phone rang. It was his mother, wondering where he was. He mumbled something about the park and she asked him to come home and said that it was important. James offered him a ride and Kendall gladly accepted it and skipped after James to the parking lot.

When Kendall got home he noticed that something was off. The house was silent and felt colder. He found his mother in the kitchen, she sat by the table and looked out the window with a cup of coffee between her hands.

"Mom?" Kendall asked and she looked up.

"Oh, there you are, sweetie..." His mother said and forced a smile. "Sit down, will you?" She said and the blond seated himself by the table. "There's something very important that I need to tell you, Kendall." She said silently.

The blond furrowed his eyebrows and nodded. "Okay." He said slowly. "What is it?"

"It's about your father, Kendall." Mrs. Knight said and Kendall stiffened where he sat. Mr. Knight had ran off a few years earlier and never came back, not that they looked for him or anything... "Kendall, sweetie, it might not be very easy to hear." Jennifer sighed and took her son's hand. Kendall prepared himself for whatever it could be. "Your father was in an accident a few days ago and he got hurt very badly."

"He was?" Kendall asked and frowned. A part of him was worried and sad.

"He was, sweetie. Very badly and... the doctors in Rochester just called me... and he might not make it, Kendall." His mother continued and Kendall sat still for a long time. "They say that he... isn't going to make it it."

Kendall frowned and tried to come up with something to say. Something to think or ask his mother but his mind was blank. "Oh." Was all he could force out. Jennifer frowned.

"I know it's hard, Kendall... but I want you to know... the truth."

The blond's eyes welled up with sparkling tears and his mother hugged him. "Mom..." He said. "Why aren't I sad?" He asked, sounding horrified by it. Kendall wasn't sad at all and the fact that he didn't feel sorry about his father dying made guilt build up in him and that was what was forcing tears out of him. He felt guilty for not being sad.

His mother consoled him. The young boy trembled in her arm, feeling the guilt well up inside of him and clouded his mind, filling it with fear and dark thoughts. "It's alright, honey." Jennifer mumbled and Logan peeked his head into the kitchen.

"What's going on?" He asked and Jennifer looked up at him with a frown.

"Logan, honey..." She said softly and the older brother looked awfully suspicious. "It's about your father." She told him and Logan's eyes darkened with anger.

"What about him?" He grumbled.

"He's been in an accident and... the doctors aren't sure he'll survive the night." Jennifer said and Logan crossed his arms over his chest.

He looked grumpy and his eyebrows were knitted together in an angry frown. "S-So what?" He said. "T-That idiot never did me any good." He said and gulped. Kendall looked up at him, Logan was the only one of the Knight kids that actually used to spend time with Mr. Knight. Kendall had been too young to understand what happened when he left and Katie was just a baby.

It looked as if Logan was taking it a lot harder than he wanted them to know. "Sweetie." Jennifer sighed and Kendall let her go.

"He was still our dad." He said silently. "I didn't know him like you do, Logan. I think you should go and see him."

"I don't want to go and see him." Logan snapped. "He left us! He doesn't deserve it!" He shouted.

"I want to go and see him." Kendall said and turned to his mother that looked surprised. Jennifer had already admitted that she didn't want to go and see her husband. The hurt she felt when he left lingered.

"Are you sure?" She asked. The blond nodded and they both turned to Logan, who looked absolutely furious.

"I am not going to give him the satisfaction." He stated. "I'm not going." He said before storming out of the kitchen and up the stairs to his room. Kendall was persistent and his mother couldn't deny him the right to go and see his father.

The drive took almost two hours and when they were finally at the hospital Jennifer was not very happy to be there. She told Kendall that she had already talked to her husband on the phone and that she wasn't very into the idea of seeing him. Kendall told her that he'd rather go himself anyways.

He was shown to the right room and his mother waited outside. The young boy went inside alone and hesitated a bit in the doorway. He had to force himself to go inside and talk to the man lying in the bed.

Kendall didn't remember much of his dad since they didn't spend very much time together. Mr. Knight drank a lot and gambled, Kendall had never understood why and when he saw his father he barely recognized him. His hair had grown pale and thin and he looked bigger.

"D-Dad?" Kendall asked timidly and the man in the bed wheezed and turned his head to face the blond. He watched Kendall with a puzzled expression and seemed to really think.

"Kendall?" he asked and the blond nodded and slowly walked closer. "What are you doing here?"

"I-... I came to visit you." Kendall mumbled and blushed. "The doctors said that you were in an accident."

His father eyed him suspiciously. "Where's your mother? And Logan? Katie?"

"They didn't want to come." Kendall said and frowned a bit. "It's just me." He said silently and gulped. "I-I thought..."

"Why did you come, really?"

"I don't know." Kendall said. "I guess... I just thought that someone should do it." He confessed silently and pouted his lips. "A-Are you hurting a lot?" He asked and took another step closer to the bed. "Are the doctors nice?"

The slightly familiar man scoffed. "What do you care, kid? I left you years ago. You were barely out of your diapers." He snorted and Kendall frowned. "What does a kid like you have to do with a dad you never knew?"

Kendall gulped and felt tears press against the inside of his eyelids. "I-I just thought-..." He mumbled and sniffled. "I-I'm sorry. M-Mom said that you were hurt really badly." He said and took yet another step closer. "And when Logan didn't want to come... and mom didn't want to see you I-I felt like I had to." He said. "I just wanted to see you so that I can tell you that we're all okay a-and it's not your fault."

"My fault?" His dad questioned.

"Logan says it's your fault mom won't marry someone else... and mom says that she wishes things were different. Sometimes she cries but she won't admit it." He said lowly. "B-But I don't think it's your fault." He quickly added.

"And why is that?"

"Because..." Kendall mumbled shyly. "Maybe you left because it was better?" He suggested timidly. "James says that sometimes people have to leave the ones they love for the better... because they don't want to hurt them or be any trouble."

Kendall's dad remained silent for a while before nodding. "I suppose you're the brightest one I've made." He said. "And... you might be right."

The blond nodded. "I'm not mad at you, like the others." He said. "I don't think you left just because, I think you had a reason."

His dad seemed to hesitate. "C'mere." he said and Kendall glanced around before inching closer. "Listen to me, kid. If things were different, then sure, I would have stayed but now I didn't." He said. "But here." He grumbled and struggled to remove his watch. "It's not your first bike or a car or anything fancy but..." He mumbled and handed the watch to his son.

"Thank you." Kendall said. "I love it." He immediately stated and took the watch. "It doesn't matter what it is, it's from you so that's okay." The young blond gave his father a warm smile. "Thank you, dad."

The man in the bed nodded slowly. "I think you should leave now." He said. "The painkillers are wearing off..."

"Can I hug you?" Kendall asked and after some hesitation his dad nodded and Kendall hugged him. It felt weird and foreign, he hadn't hugged anyone but his mother in a long time. Excluding James but that was different. "I love you, dad." He found himself saying.

"I-... I love you too, son." His dad replied lowly and Kendall tightened the hug for a brief moment before letting go. "Now go before your mother sends someone in here." His father said and gave him a slight shove. Kendall nodded and waved at him before exiting the room, almost walking into his mother that had been listening in.

He was silent the entire ride back home despite his mother asking him how things went. Kendall shrugged his shoulders but he looked strangely satisfied to his mother. When they got home the young blond marched up the stairs and knocked on his older brother's door. Jennifer followed him but lingered by the stairs – curious to what he was up to.

Logan opened the door with a scowl and glared down at his brother. "What do you want?" He asked rudely and Kendall held his hand out.

"Dad said that he wanted you to have this." He said and Logan looked down at the watch. "He said that he was sorry and that he missed you a lot." Kendall said and Logan hesitantly took the watch. "I promised him that I'd give it to you because he didn't want anyone but you to have it."

"R-Really?" Logan asked lowly. Kendall nodded.

"He said that he loves you."

The older brother gulped and nodded a bit. "Thanks..." He mumbled and Kendall gave a smile.

"I'm gonna go downstairs. You can come if you want." Kendall offered but Logan shook his head.

"Imma stay... but... thank you." He said and the blond nodded before leaving his brother alone. Jennifer scrambled to get out of the way when Kendall stalked downstairs. She knew that Kendall had just lied to his brother and given him the watch their father had given to _him._ She didn't say anything and she was fairly sure that Kendall didn't know that she knew but she had never been so proud, yet so sad for her son.

 **-page break-**

By morning the Knight family got the news about Mr. Knight's passing. Logan was devastated and regretted not going to see his father one last time. Kendall remained silent and Katie was too little to understand what had happened, she had just barely learned how to crawl when he'd left. Jennifer tried her best to console her children but she too felt like something had broke.

"Mom?" Kendall asked after breakfast, after he'd helped out with the dishes. "Can I go out today?"

"Where are you going?" Jennifer asked while putting the plates back into the cupboard.

"I want to go and see James." Kendall explained and his mother hesitated.

She turned to her son that gave her a pleading look. Sighing, she gave him a weak look. "Honey, do you really think it's... a good idea?" She asked him and the blond looked like he didn't understand. "I know that you're upset but... I want you to know that... what you do with James... isn't a way to... treat it."

"What do you mean?" Kendall asked.

Jennifer sighed and hugged him. "I'm saying that no one can heal the wound one gets when someone they are close to passes away." She said. "James can't do much for you."

"He can sit with me and we can talk... like we always do." The young blond said. "That's what I want. I want him to sit and talk to me and I want him to ask me what my favorite food is and why the sky is blue and I want him to tell me about the things he's seen on TV and what he read in school a-and..." Kendall stopped himself and Jennifer watched him. "I want James to be my friend and I want to spend time with him because he doesn't have anyone else."

"Kendall..."

"Mom, he told me that he lives alone. His mom is in New York and he doesn't know his dad and he doesn't have any friends!" Kendall said. "But he doesn't know that _I'm_ his friend! I want to be his friend and I think that he's the coolest guy in the world and I want everyone to know!"

Jennifer frowned and hugged her son again. "I love you, Kenny. You're a good boy." She told him and Kendall hugged her back.

"I love you too, Mommy."

 _linelineline_

"Hey." James said when the blond came walking. "What's up?" He asked and Kendall shrugged his shoulders and plopped down on the bench next to him. The brunet eyed the younger boy for a while and tried to read him. Kendall did seem a little down, he wasn't as perky as usual.

Kendall didn't notice the studying looks and gave a small sigh. "My dad died this morning." He said silently.

"Oh, shit. That's tough." James found himself saying.

"I didn't know him." Kendall explained. "He left when I was five and only popped in once or twice after that so I don't really... remember him at all." He confessed. "But I went to see him last night." He said and James patiently waited for him to continue. "He seemed like an okay person."

James nodded and eyed the younger boy again. "Man, that's a mess." He said lowly and gave Kendall's shoulder a gentle pat. The blond turned to him with a weak smile. "You wanna talk about it?"

"No, I want to talk about something else." Kendall said.

"Like what?"

"Can't you tell me something cool? Tell me how you got your motorcycle or about your apartment o-or about the things you've read about." Kendall pleaded. "I want you to tell me about all of those things."

The brunet gave a weak chuckle. "You do?" he asked and his friend nodded. "Well, fine." He murmured and told Kendall all about his precious bike. The younger listened eagerly and asked questions about everything. To James it was refreshing with such excitement towards something he liked and something he had done. "Why are you asking anyway?"

"Because." Kendall said and smiled. "I really like to listen to you when you talk. It sounds so nice when you talk about something you like." He said. "I want to listen to what you have to say." For a minute James just stared at the younger boy before he took his hand in his and pulled him closer.

"Do you want to get out of here?" he asked. "You haven't been to my place yet, have you?"

The blond shook his head. "No, I haven't been there."

"Do you want to go?"

"Yeah, I do." Kendall smiled and James got up and dragged him along.

The two went to James' apartment, a shabby building downtown with a broken elevator and graffiti covered walls. James' apartment was kind of clean but still pretty run down. Kendall didn't mind. He thought it was cool because he'd never had a friend that had their own place. "C'mere." James said and Kendall looked away from the weird painting on the wall. It had James' signature.

Kendall walked up to James with a smile. "What?" He asked.

"Kiss me." James said and the blond blushed. James pulled him into a kiss. "You're real nice, Kendall Knight." He said. "I like your style."

The younger boy smiled shyly. "You do?"

"You're the nicest guy I've ever met and you're fifteen." James said. "You make me feel... cool." he confessed. "And less lonely." Kendall beamed up at him. "I like to have you around."

"I like to be around." Kendall said.

"Good." James murmured.

 _Linelineline_

"He's nice company, really. And he's always so polite." James chuckled while turning the cup of coffee he held between his palms.

Jennifer gave a soft smile. "He's always been that way." He said silently and nodded slowly. "He's such a good boy, he's so sweet and he just wants what's best for everyone else." She said. "Never thinks of himself, only of how to make others better." She explained and James chuckled lowly and nodded.

"I noticed. He's... rare."

Just then the blond walked into the kitchen with his backpack slung over his shoulder. His eyes landed on the brunet and then to his mother. "What are you doing here?" He asked and couldn't hide the smile that broke out on his face.

James shrugged with a smile. "I was in the neighborhood, thought I'd stop by." He said. "You weren't home but your mom invited me in." He explained. Kendall smiled gratefully at his mother and took a seat by the kitchen table. "How was school?" James went ahead and asked.

"It was nice. I got a B on my English test." The blond boy said and fiddled with his hands on the table. "A-And tomorrow we're going on a school trip. They're taking us hiking and watch real birds." He told his mother and his friend. "I promised Josephine and Camille to walk with them." He added.

"That's nice, sweetie." Jennifer smiled at her son and gave his hair a gentle ruffle before getting up. "And congratulations on the test, I knew you'd do good." She gave his cheek a kiss before leaving the two boys alone in the kitchen, knowing that it would only be awkward to have a parent there.

"Good job on the test." James congratulated the blond. "And a school trip? That's cool, I kind of miss those. They were pretty fun at times." He smiled and Kendall nodded excitedly.

"Yeah, I want to go." He said. "Something fun always happens." He giggled.

Kendall was excited about the trip. He liked being outside and he liked fresh air a lot. Knowing that he'd have some of his best friends with him made it even better and he longed to see the green forest stretch out in front of him and feel the soft moss under his shoes. He told James all that and James smiled at him.

They talked for a very long time. It was dark and James' forgotten coffee was since long cold when the brunet mumbled something about it being late. Kendall nearly pleaded him to stay for a while more, offering James more of his time and James felt spoiled and pampered by the young blond.

The blond was fairly disappointed when James declined his offers but James gave him a big hug and promises to come back. "I could swing by tomorrow, when you get home?" He suggested and Kendall nodded excitedly.

"Please do." He said. "I'll tell you all about the trip."

"I look forward to that." James ruffled Kendall's soft hair and gave another smile. "Have fun, will you?" He added and the blond nodded again. "Good, see you, buddy." He gave Kendall another hug and hesitated before giving the blond's cheek a light kiss. "Really, I look forward to it." He assured and Kendall's face stretched into a sheepish smile.

"I do too." He too seemed to hesitate before pressing a quick kiss on James' lips and then shying away, blushing. "See you then." He said quickly and snaked out of James' embrace, embarrassed and flustered.

It took James another moment or two to get out of the house and the young blond wouldn't go near him, if it was because he thought he'd embarrassed himself or if it was because he wanted rid of him James didn't know but he wore a smile for the rest of the day because of that particular moment.

James really liked the youngest of the Knight brothers. At one point he and Logan had been close but that change fairly quick when they grew up and got different hobbies and so on. James had almost always been a lone wolf but he didn't mind the company of others. Actually it was a nice change of pace when he met Kendall, he liked the attention he got and relished the feeling of being showered with his new friend's awe. The blond genuinely thought that he was special and cool.

James thought that Kendall was very special and unique. The young boy brought himself like he was older than them both and he had a heart of gold, James knew. Hell, everyone knew and from time to time someone would try to use Kendall's kindness but it would always backfire and whatever grudge they held against the blond would disappear and turn into a certain liking. Kendall was extremely likable but never demanded anything from others.

The handsome brunet couldn't wait until he could see him again and that felt silly. James didn't love Kendall but he wanted him around, since he was the only one he could stand for longer periods of time. Hours, days and even forever if that had been an option. Kendall was better than those colorful pills that made him see things that wasn't real, Kendall was better than the violent music James listened to when he wanted to drown the sounds of the world, and Kendall was far better than sharp blades drawing blood. James hadn't cut himself for months, all thanks to the young blond and James was proud of himself. He knew Kendall would be proud too, if he knew but James had never told him. Kendall would have a bunch of questions before stating that cutting was 'dumb'.

That's what Kendall said about most things he didn't quite understand. When James had talked about death the blond hadn't hesitated on saying 'death is dumb'. James had asked why and Kendall had looked him straight in the eyes and said 'because that's the end'.

It had made James' heart clench painfully in his chest. He'd been depressed for years and never had he heard anyone put it like that. Kendall made it so simple. Death was dumb, because it's the end. When you're dead, you're dead. It really was as simple as that and James didn't really understand that until Kendall said it. Taking his life suddenly seemed like the biggest waste ever.

James thought about Kendall for the rest of the day, wondering how he could be so clever when he was so young. Maybe it was because Kendall himself was so naive and simple? He thought that there was a solution to everything. If you're hungry you eat, if you're tired you sleep and if you're sad you do things that make you happy. James wished he could be like that and he hated it when Kendall said that he wanted to be like him when he grew up.

James went to bed, thinking of Kendall and in the small house on the other side of town, Kendall sat down in the living room, looking at the TV but not paying attention to the show.

Kendall didn't love James but he wanted him around and he wanted to hug him and occasionally kiss him. He wasn't so sure why he'd kissed him before. He had just felt like it and that was all the reason he needed.

Kendall had always thought that James was odd. Complicated and drawn back. Mysterious, even. Kendall thought that was cool. It made himself feel very childish and plain but James liked that so it didn't really matter.

He wondered how it would be like if James was his boyfriend but he didn't like that idea. He wondered what it'd be like if James was a part of his family and he liked that idea far better. James was an older brother but still not. The intimacy wasn't really something Kendall thought was that exciting. It felt nice and sometimes it was really funny but mostly he felt like it was just a thing that he didn't fully understand. You'd always be sore afterward and his mother was never happy with him when he walked funny.

The blond gave a sigh at that and let his mind wander to the next day and the coming trip. He was excited and eager to go already. His mother had promised to get up early with him and cook him pancakes and make warm cocoa for him to bring. She was going to drive him to school, too and Logan had let him borrow his old compass and binoculars from when he was a kid.

"Kendall, it's getting really late. Go and get ready for bed, will you?" His mother cooed and ran her fingers through his hair.

He nodded and got up. "Good night, mom." He said. "Love you." He added when he walked up the stairs to the bathroom. Logan – who sat on the other side of the couch – sniggered.

"Good night, honey. I love you too." Jennifer told her youngest son when he disappeared at the top of the stairs. "What are you on about now?" She then asked, turning to her other son. Logan shrugged his shoulders.

"He's adorable, the little dork." He said and shook his head. "I don't get him most of the times but... it's really simple, ey?" He grinned and Jennifer rolled her eyes.

"He's a simple boy but a good one." She said and Logan nodded. "He just want other people to be happy."

Logan nodded again, suddenly looking rather doleful. "I know." He mumbled. "He's a good guy." He continued lowly and slowly turned to look at the TV. "I just want him to be happy too, you know. Wouldn't want anyone to break his heart or anything. I don't really like that James guy." He confessed.

"Kendall's happy with him around and it's obvious that James is happy around him too."

"I guess." Logan nodded. "Well... I'm gonna head to bed. See you tomorrow, mom." He said and waved briefly before going upstairs to his room.

 _Linelineline_

James hummed when he walked up to the Knight family's house and knocked on the door. He couldn't remember the last time he'd been in such a good mood. He wanted to hear everything about Kendall's trip, he wanted to see those sparkling greens eyes and that childish smile. He kind of felt like Kendall needed him to pay attention whenever he looked like that and James was happy to do so.

He knocked on the door again, since no one answered but when nothing happened he assumed that they hadn't gotten home yet. He was fairly early, perhaps they where on their way home. He knew that Mrs. Knight was going to pick Kendall up after school, he knew that Kendall's younger sister was at daycare and he knew that Logan wasn't one to linger at the house.

James waited. Five minutes, ten minutes, thirty minutes, an hour... no one came home. Surely _someone_ should have come home by then. It was nearly five thirty. So he got up and called Kendall's phone but no one answered and that's when he started to get suspicious. He called several times but there he never got an answer.

The brunet felt how his chest felt a little heavier. Had Kendall forgotten? Or had he finally realized that James was no good and ignored him? Whatever he thought of hurt like knives.

He was got home a little before six and he got the call a little after seven. James had nearly fallen asleep on his worn couch when his phone rang and a picture of Kendall flickered across the screen. On the picture Kendall was in the middle of talking and his hands were blurry since he'd used them to try and show James what he meant.

James sat up and rubbed his eyes when he brought the phone to his ear. "Hey." He said. "I was at your house before but you weren't home. I guess you-"

" _James?"_ A tired female voice asked and James furrowed his eyebrows.

"Mrs. Knight?" He asked and let out a yawn. "I thought it was Kendall." He said and listened for a reply. "Mrs. Knight?" he asked when the only thing that met him was silence. "Mrs. Knight?"

" _James, honey..."_ Jennifer's voice was hoarse and weak. _"I'm really r-really sorry..."_

The brunet's senses were standing on edge. What was going on? Sorry? Anything starting with a sorry was never good. "What's going on?" he demanded to know. "Where Kendall?" There was another pause. An unbearable silence that made James' throat burn. "I need to talk to Kendall."

Kendall's mom sniffled and James could practically see her shake her head. "Where is he?" he asked again. "Where are you?"

It took James less than fifteen minutes to get himself to the hospital even though it usually took twenty, but speed limits and red lights hadn't stopped him nor slowed him down one bit. He stormed up to the reception desk and demanded to know where the Knight family was and he was directed to another floor and another room by a frightened nurse.

Jennifer wasn't outside to greet him. Logan was and Logan looked pale, tired and absolutely destroyed. "James." He croaked when James came walking. Logan stopped him from going inside.

"I'm going in, whether you like it or not, Logan." James growled at him and Logan frowned.

"I know." He said, bottom lip quivering. "Just... please." he begged. Logan _begged_. He turned away and sank down into the chair he'd been sitting in when James came. The brunet hesitated before opening the door and going inside.

It was dark in the room, only a few lights were on. There was a candle on the small table and some flowers that smelled sweet. Mrs. Knight looked up when James closed the door. Her eyes dark and glossy in the dim light. "J-James..." She managed to choke out, not moving an inch further away from the bed and never loosening her grip on Kendall's hand. "I-I-..." She stuttered.

Kendall was pale and very still. He wasn't hooked up to any machines or tubes but James knew that those machines wouldn't show anything but dark screens with straight lines.

James slowly walked up to the bed, looking down at the blond with dark eyes. Kendall looked peaceful even though he was so pale and his left hand was clamped within his mother's. The brunet glared down at him, anger flaring in his chest like fire and rage filling his head like a thick black smoke.

How dared he? How dared Kendall go and die _before_ James? How dared he die at all? Dying was dumb. It was the end. It was pointless and stupid. James was so angry he barely saw straight.

"It was on the trip." James barely heard Jennifer speak up, she was speaking so silently. "The class was walking along a river when a few boys fooled around and one of them slipped and fell in." Jennifer continued while stroking Kendall's hand with her thumb. "He didn't hesitate to help out."

"He can't swim." James mumbled.

Jennifer shook her head. "No." She said. "He never learned." She said sadly. James knew that already because Kendall had told him at some point. "But it didn't stop him." Jennifer shook her head. "He saved that boy." She trembled where she sat. "Kendall saved the other boy."

James stared down at the blond. Silent and passive for the time being. He wanted to yell but Kendall wasn't going to hear it anyways, so why bother? "You know... they got him out of the water and he woke up." Mrs. Knight mumbled, tears now running down her cheeks. "He seemed fine. They got him out of the water and he seemed just fine... but he said he was feeling sick and they to called me on the way to the hospital."

James didn't say anything.

"It's a thing... you know... to drown out of the water." Kendall's mother cried softly. "When your body gets damaged while you drown..." She couldn't continue. "A-At least... I-I was there for him when he-..." She covered his eyes with her free hand. "O-Oh my gosh..."

There was a pause and there was nothing but Jennifer's sobbing. James leaned down over the bed, eying the blond thoroughly. Was Kendall still in there? Did that peculiar mind of him still there or had it moved on? Did anything move on at all, or did it just disappear once you died?

He gulped and looked away. He hadn't realized that he'd been crying but he was. He was crying more than Jennifer and she was the one who'd just lost a child. What had James lost? A random boy that kept him company? Some kid that he found a strange comfort in?

The strange itch and the godforsaken urge to scratch, rip and pinch was there again, in his arms. He hadn't felt like that in forever. Not since he'd met Kendall. Now it nearly ate him alive. Pulled him down and enveloped him in a fearful darkness, suffocating him like a damp blanket.

"Why did he do it?" James found himself asking. "If he knew that he couldn't swim, and that he could get hurt or even die." He continued and looked at the red haired woman. "Why did he do it?" He repeated.

Jennifer shrugged hopelessly. "I don't know." She whined. "I never knew why this boy did anything, James. I don't know what went on in his head. I don't know what he felt or what he thought truly, about anything." She said. "The-... The teacher said he didn't hesitate a second. Like he did it on instinct."

"Maybe it was?" James suggested.

"We'll never know."

"Can I have a moment with him?"

Jennifer frowned. "I-... I'd rather not leave him." She confessed. James nodded and pulled a chair to sit by the bed, ignoring the woman on the other side. He grabbed a firm hold of Kendall's hand, hating how it was cold and not warm and clammy like usual. He gave it a squeeze and sighed to himself.

"Hey." He said, louder than he intended. "Hey." He repeated, a little lower. "I guess this is it. Your end, hm?" James didn't get a reply and to be honest it made him really sad, because he always got answers from the young blond. It didn't matter if it hadn't been a question, Kendall always had something clever to say or had another question to ponder. "How's it... like?" James asked. "Is it really... over?"

Jennifer looked away. Averting her eyes from the brunet talking to her still son. In her chest her heart was broken into a million pieces and in her head there was a deafening silence that twisted every little thought into a howl of despair.

"Fuck, Kendall." James cursed silently, letting his head drop. "What the fuck?" he whispered. "You told me just the other day that dying is stupid, then why the fuck are you dead? You were supposed to live forever, damn it!"

Mrs. Knight kept her eyes shut tight. Wishing she'd left the room when she got the chance but now she couldn't move. Kendall's hand in hers suddenly seemed to hold on to her, forcing her to stay. She listened while James cursed, cried, and sobbed all in one. The poor boy sounded lonely, like he'd lost everything.

Maybe James had lost everything. The way Kendall talked about him made Jennifer wonder. Who was this strange boy sitting across the bed, cursing her son for dying? Where did he come from? What did he want? And what would he do now that Kendall was gone?

James sniffled, forcefully wiped his eyes and then continued cursing. Threatening the blond to do horrible things if he didn't wake up. The threatening quickly turned into urging, that turned into begging and pleading. "Kendall, stop it. Wake up." James whined finally. "I'll do whatever you want if you wake up."

"James." Jennifer managed to get out. "He's gone." She told him. "Please."

"Wake up." James cried and let go of the blond and hid his face behind his trembling hands. "Kendall, wake up. Wake up." he repeated. Jennifer got up and let Kendall's hand go for the first time since she'd taken it when he arrived to the hospital, complaining about feeling sick. She walked around the bed and enveloped the crying brunet in a hug.

James melted into her embrace and slung his arms around her. Wailing into her hair and soaking her shoulder with tears. Jennifer was strangely calm and comforted the boy she held. He was crying so hard that she almost forgot that she was sad too. She was obviously not near as devastated as James and she was Kendall's mother. It made her wonder what Kendall really was to him.

They stayed until late that night. Jennifer had mountains of papers to go through and she still needed to break the news to Katie. The little girl was so little, she wouldn't understand but Jennifer dreaded the moment she'd have to talk to her and make her understand.

Logan was more silent than usual but he allowed himself to provide as well as find comfort in James. They didn't speak but they sat together waiting for Jennifer to finish up. Katie had been picked up at the daycare by Jennifer's mother and was staying with her over the night, even though it might have been better to have her home, Jennifer couldn't bear it at the moment.

James lingered when Jennifer came to get Logan. Jennifer didn't know what else to do but to walk up to him and wrap her arm around his shoulders. "Come on, sweetie." She mumbled and helped the brunet rise. "Come on, we're going home." She cooed and gently ushered James down to her own car. James followed silently and Logan neither questioned nor complained when James slid into the backseat of the car, without so much of a word.

 _Linelineline_

Kendall funeral was really nice. There was a lot of people there and everyone was genuinely sad about the young blond's passing. Jennifer was sobbing silently when people mumbled their final words to the young boy, or when his friends told them about a fond memory.

James was silent most of the time and lingered in the back. He'd been thinking of staying home but he just couldn't do that to Kendall. Kendall deserved so much better. Kendall deserved the best and James was frightened that he wasn't what Kendall should have been hanging out with.

The brunet had wondered so many times what Kendall would have been if he'd hung out with people in his own age. If James hadn't talked to him on that party and let the blond get drunk and then stagger home together with Logan, or if he hadn't sought Kendall out in school and all the other things they did. Who would Kendall be if James wasn't around? And who would James have been if Kendall hadn't come around when he did?

Maybe the roles had been switched? Only that James wouldn't have died a hero, but a pathetic coward, hanging from a ceiling somewhere, or lying splattered under a train or on the pavement. However James saw it, he knew that he was there because of Kendall.

"I want to say something." James blurted out when a short brunette girl stepped away from the coffin. Jennifer looked up when he spoke up and nodded. James slowly made his way up to the flower covered coffin and gulped, turning to Jennifer.

"Go ahead, sweetie." She encouraged him.

James gave a sad smile and cleared his throat. "I didn't know Kendall for very long." James confessed. "I met him at some dumb house party, I'm guessing it was his first." He said and let his eyes drop to his feet. "I made him drink more than he should and we... wandered off together. He was curious, I was blunt. He asked questions that I desperately tried to answer, when I realized that I didn't have answers for most of them." He said. "Kendall was a clever kid. We became friends. He always asked me questions but I was always the one who learned something knew."

The brunet gulped, fighting back tears and urged himself to continue. "Kendall Knight had a heart of gold and I'm happy... no. I'm _honored_ to have a place there." he said. "There's been rumors about us being a couple and we never were but I _love_ Kendall. He's my best friend in the entire world. Fifteen years old and he's got ten times the common sense I have."

James let a chuckle slip and earned a few agreeing ones from the small crowd. He smiled at his shoes and gathered himself for what he had to say next. "Kendall taught me one thing that I will always carry with me." He said and looked up, meeting Jennifer's eyes. "And that's to value life. Your life if the most precious thing you have and the worst mistake you can do is to throw it away for nothing." He said. He was more confident now. His voice was louder, bolder. "Kendall always used to say: Dying is dumb, because that's the end." James sniffled. "And he's right."

A few people gave disapproving grunts. "Dying is the end, so relish every single minute you have. Treasure your time because... you might not have as much as you think." James said. "If I could. I'd trade places with him. Because he had more to give, more to learn and more to teach." He confessed and shook his head. "I'll miss him." He finished before wandering back into the crown. Jennifer gave him a big hug and Logan gave his shoulder a pat.

The Knight family – along with James – stayed until everyone had left and watched the coffin get lowered down into the ground. Katie kept asking questions. Where's Kendall? Why isn't he here? Why was everyone sad? Mommy, why are you crying?

James knew she'd grow up to be like her brother. If that was a relief or not he didn't know. All he knew was that he had to pick himself up or he'd crumble. He was going to try and fix himself and live the kind of life Kendall thought he lived.

He knew one thing though. He wasn't gonna lie down and give up in a while. Dying is dumb because it's the end and James wasn't ready for the end but in his heart, he knew that Kendall was and had always been ready for the end. He hoped that when his time came, he'd be ready too.

* * *

 **Sorry if it was long. But I really wanted to post it and share it with you.**

 **Thank you guys for reading and for putting up with me and my odd mood swings and bad excuses. I do appreciate you guys so much and your supports means so much. Your support is what keeps me going when I think I can't go on. Thank you for that. Give yourself a great big hug for that, yes?**

 **Take care of yourselves. Do whatever makes you happy and ignore the ones that try to tell you you can't. Be yourself. Live. Smile. Laugh. Don't give up.**

 **oxox Hannah**


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